it's been awhile.  i finally went to my doctor (who i love by the way) and she changed my ativan to something different.  it really affects my balance and i go reeling around the house, so maybe that's how it works, trying to keep my balance keeps me from thinking of other things. seriously, i don't turn every thought into a reminiscence about catherine that makes me cry.  a few days ago, my 27 year old nephew dies of a ruptured aneurysm in his head.  he donated a lot of organs, visitation was last night and the funeral is today.  just more grief to add to my pile.  when will it stop.  i just sit around thinking who's next.

i am getting worse, not better.  tomorrow we're going away for a week to babysit for my two other granddaughters and i can't imagine having a happy face.  ever again in fact.  i am now allowed to take three ativan a day but the one i took this morning did nothingl.  i can't stop the sad thoughts so i cry and cry.  somebody please help me.  maybe i need to take all three of the ativan at once. 

today, i need to go out to my dad's house and start doing my share of helping to take care of him.  i cried most of the morning, then took an ativan and continued to cry.  i just have to think about how sad i'm going to be and it makes me cry.  my latest thought is that it is bitter cold outside, is catherine warm enough.  please, God, help me to feel normal again.

ok, so today i had a gift certificate to go to the movies that was going to expire tomorrow so jim, miranda and i went to the theater at the mall.  on the way i was remembering that the last time we were by the theater at the mall was when we took catherine to get her picture taken with santa claus.  oh how i wish i could go back to that time.  i just want to hug that little girl so bad.  and if only i could stop thinking sad thoughts, maybe my life could move on, but that doesn't seem to be happening.  so as i sit here writing and crying, i wonder when the pain will decrease.  i'm so tired of crying and/or trying not to cry.  if i were a different person, i would have checked out by now.  i don't mean to sound dramatic, but honestly, it's hard to imagine going on without her.  and i'm her grandma, what must her mom and dad be feeling and it breaks my heart thinking about it.  i guess that's the problem, thinking about it.  i spend so much time in my head going over and over what happened and how i feel, it's like picking a scab. 

catherine's gone...

ok, here is a place where i can share all my thoughts about my current situation.  Just to give you some background, my mother passed away on dec. 14, 2012.  She was 89 years old, but somehow, even with being in the medical profession, it came as a surprise to me.  I felt as if my life was over.  i cried constantly, sobbed and wailed.  i was unbelievably sad and thought i would never be happy again.  So on january 9, 2013, my five month old granddaughter passed away.  i don't think i will ever stop crying.  she was the sweetest baby.  i have two other granddaughters, but the other two are in missouri and i only get to see them every few months.  this little girl lived just a few minutes away from me.  she and her mom spent the night with me the first night out of the hospital, i babysat every couple of weeks, and catherine and i even had sleepovers.  i am so hoping that by writing this out, i will start to get over it, or at least the pain will decrease somewhat.  as i go along, i will post some pictures of her, but right now, i can't even look at pictures without starting to cry again.  that's assuming that when i see the pictures, i have stopped crying.  many times that's not the case.   now that i have this begun, i will stop and see if i can get back to my blog the next time.  please pray for me that this will be therapeutic.

Well, here I sit talking to myself. There is something so therapeutic about that. I can say what I want without worrying about hurting anyone's feelings. Wait a minute, there's always a chance that someone will come and read this so I guess I better engage the filter. Still selling craft supplies; I have sold so much and haven't even made a dent in what I have. The message here is that I had too much stuff, but funny that I didn't recognize that until now. Oh, wait, I know why, I seldom put stuff away and my memory is not great, so I would forget what I had and buy more. What a loser.......or winner depending on whether you're an optimist or pessimist.

We are expecting another grandchild and I hope to have the house cleared out by the time she comes, so I have five months. go, sandy.

We decided to replace the disgusting carpet in our bedroom, so we've been sleeping in a spare room while all the furniture is out of ours. I'll be happy to be back in the waterbed.

My newest ebay adventure is making paper tole girls for people to put on their scrapbook pages. Some I make into sets that will make a 2 page layout, including ribbon, flowers, photo mats and charms, and some I just make the fairies or angels and sell them by themselves. They are SO CUTE. I love doing them.