ok, so today i had a gift certificate to go to the movies that was going to expire tomorrow so jim, miranda and i went to the theater at the mall.  on the way i was remembering that the last time we were by the theater at the mall was when we took catherine to get her picture taken with santa claus.  oh how i wish i could go back to that time.  i just want to hug that little girl so bad.  and if only i could stop thinking sad thoughts, maybe my life could move on, but that doesn't seem to be happening.  so as i sit here writing and crying, i wonder when the pain will decrease.  i'm so tired of crying and/or trying not to cry.  if i were a different person, i would have checked out by now.  i don't mean to sound dramatic, but honestly, it's hard to imagine going on without her.  and i'm her grandma, what must her mom and dad be feeling and it breaks my heart thinking about it.  i guess that's the problem, thinking about it.  i spend so much time in my head going over and over what happened and how i feel, it's like picking a scab.