went to the doctor yesterday and the psychologist today;  maybe i'll start making some progress.  i was going to say i cried less today, but i cried the whole time i was at the psychologist and the whole time i was at the doctor.   who am i kidding, i cried just as much as ever.  i go to dad's tomorrow so that will be a couple of pretty easy days.  sunday we're having a birthday party for him.  he may not know because we forget to tell him things a lot so it might be a surprise party.  this family needs to get together for a happy occasion.

ok so i have an appt with a psychologist.  maybe she can fix me.  i have new medication that works pretty well for anxiety, i can tell when it's time to take more, i start crying.  the medication does have the side effect of messing with my equilibrium.  if i bend over to pick something up, i just keep going.  i kind of list to the right and have a lot of bumps and bruises.  but i can't stop taking them because they work, i just have to move around more carefully.  people keep asking if it's safe for me to drive.  well, i'm usually sitting down when i'm driving.  now if i have to get out and pull the car, that will be a problem. my worst times are bedtime and when i'm alone in the car driving;  ok, enough pity me for today....for right now anyway/

it's been awhile.  i finally went to my doctor (who i love by the way) and she changed my ativan to something different.  it really affects my balance and i go reeling around the house, so maybe that's how it works, trying to keep my balance keeps me from thinking of other things. seriously, i don't turn every thought into a reminiscence about catherine that makes me cry.  a few days ago, my 27 year old nephew dies of a ruptured aneurysm in his head.  he donated a lot of organs, visitation was last night and the funeral is today.  just more grief to add to my pile.  when will it stop.  i just sit around thinking who's next.

i am getting worse, not better.  tomorrow we're going away for a week to babysit for my two other granddaughters and i can't imagine having a happy face.  ever again in fact.  i am now allowed to take three ativan a day but the one i took this morning did nothingl.  i can't stop the sad thoughts so i cry and cry.  somebody please help me.  maybe i need to take all three of the ativan at once. 

today, i need to go out to my dad's house and start doing my share of helping to take care of him.  i cried most of the morning, then took an ativan and continued to cry.  i just have to think about how sad i'm going to be and it makes me cry.  my latest thought is that it is bitter cold outside, is catherine warm enough.  please, God, help me to feel normal again.

ok, so today i had a gift certificate to go to the movies that was going to expire tomorrow so jim, miranda and i went to the theater at the mall.  on the way i was remembering that the last time we were by the theater at the mall was when we took catherine to get her picture taken with santa claus.  oh how i wish i could go back to that time.  i just want to hug that little girl so bad.  and if only i could stop thinking sad thoughts, maybe my life could move on, but that doesn't seem to be happening.  so as i sit here writing and crying, i wonder when the pain will decrease.  i'm so tired of crying and/or trying not to cry.  if i were a different person, i would have checked out by now.  i don't mean to sound dramatic, but honestly, it's hard to imagine going on without her.  and i'm her grandma, what must her mom and dad be feeling and it breaks my heart thinking about it.  i guess that's the problem, thinking about it.  i spend so much time in my head going over and over what happened and how i feel, it's like picking a scab. 

catherine's gone...

ok, here is a place where i can share all my thoughts about my current situation.  Just to give you some background, my mother passed away on dec. 14, 2012.  She was 89 years old, but somehow, even with being in the medical profession, it came as a surprise to me.  I felt as if my life was over.  i cried constantly, sobbed and wailed.  i was unbelievably sad and thought i would never be happy again.  So on january 9, 2013, my five month old granddaughter passed away.  i don't think i will ever stop crying.  she was the sweetest baby.  i have two other granddaughters, but the other two are in missouri and i only get to see them every few months.  this little girl lived just a few minutes away from me.  she and her mom spent the night with me the first night out of the hospital, i babysat every couple of weeks, and catherine and i even had sleepovers.  i am so hoping that by writing this out, i will start to get over it, or at least the pain will decrease somewhat.  as i go along, i will post some pictures of her, but right now, i can't even look at pictures without starting to cry again.  that's assuming that when i see the pictures, i have stopped crying.  many times that's not the case.   now that i have this begun, i will stop and see if i can get back to my blog the next time.  please pray for me that this will be therapeutic.