today, i need to go out to my dad's house and start doing my share of helping to take care of him.  i cried most of the morning, then took an ativan and continued to cry.  i just have to think about how sad i'm going to be and it makes me cry.  my latest thought is that it is bitter cold outside, is catherine warm enough.  please, God, help me to feel normal again.

ok, so today i had a gift certificate to go to the movies that was going to expire tomorrow so jim, miranda and i went to the theater at the mall.  on the way i was remembering that the last time we were by the theater at the mall was when we took catherine to get her picture taken with santa claus.  oh how i wish i could go back to that time.  i just want to hug that little girl so bad.  and if only i could stop thinking sad thoughts, maybe my life could move on, but that doesn't seem to be happening.  so as i sit here writing and crying, i wonder when the pain will decrease.  i'm so tired of crying and/or trying not to cry.  if i were a different person, i would have checked out by now.  i don't mean to sound dramatic, but honestly, it's hard to imagine going on without her.  and i'm her grandma, what must her mom and dad be feeling and it breaks my heart thinking about it.  i guess that's the problem, thinking about it.  i spend so much time in my head going over and over what happened and how i feel, it's like picking a scab. 

catherine's gone...

ok, here is a place where i can share all my thoughts about my current situation.  Just to give you some background, my mother passed away on dec. 14, 2012.  She was 89 years old, but somehow, even with being in the medical profession, it came as a surprise to me.  I felt as if my life was over.  i cried constantly, sobbed and wailed.  i was unbelievably sad and thought i would never be happy again.  So on january 9, 2013, my five month old granddaughter passed away.  i don't think i will ever stop crying.  she was the sweetest baby.  i have two other granddaughters, but the other two are in missouri and i only get to see them every few months.  this little girl lived just a few minutes away from me.  she and her mom spent the night with me the first night out of the hospital, i babysat every couple of weeks, and catherine and i even had sleepovers.  i am so hoping that by writing this out, i will start to get over it, or at least the pain will decrease somewhat.  as i go along, i will post some pictures of her, but right now, i can't even look at pictures without starting to cry again.  that's assuming that when i see the pictures, i have stopped crying.  many times that's not the case.   now that i have this begun, i will stop and see if i can get back to my blog the next time.  please pray for me that this will be therapeutic.

Well, here I sit talking to myself. There is something so therapeutic about that. I can say what I want without worrying about hurting anyone's feelings. Wait a minute, there's always a chance that someone will come and read this so I guess I better engage the filter. Still selling craft supplies; I have sold so much and haven't even made a dent in what I have. The message here is that I had too much stuff, but funny that I didn't recognize that until now. Oh, wait, I know why, I seldom put stuff away and my memory is not great, so I would forget what I had and buy more. What a loser.......or winner depending on whether you're an optimist or pessimist.

We are expecting another grandchild and I hope to have the house cleared out by the time she comes, so I have five months. go, sandy.

We decided to replace the disgusting carpet in our bedroom, so we've been sleeping in a spare room while all the furniture is out of ours. I'll be happy to be back in the waterbed.

My newest ebay adventure is making paper tole girls for people to put on their scrapbook pages. Some I make into sets that will make a 2 page layout, including ribbon, flowers, photo mats and charms, and some I just make the fairies or angels and sell them by themselves. They are SO CUTE. I love doing them.

Back again for my May missive. The scrap supplies have been selling, but the pile doesn't seem to be getting smaller. In the meantime, I keep making flowers and am drowning in a sea of blooms. I have several auctions ending today, so that will be more stuff out of the house. We'll see if that makes a difference, but I kind of doubt it. I guess I will keep plugging away at clearing out craft supplies that I have never used, will never use, or used a few times and will never use again. Of course, just like when I give things to the goodwill, I know in a few weeks, there will be the one thing that I suddenly have a desperate need for, but I'm willing to deal with that.

Okay, seriously??? I haven't been here for over a month? Well, let me tell you what I've been doing. I have reached the point where I could audition for the reality show, "Hoarders", and am getting serious about clearing some stuff out. So far, I have packed up ten boxes of craft supplies, mostly scrapping and card making supplies, plus a lot of other things and am listing them on ebay. I feel bad about selling the things that I just HAD to have and have never used, but it is what it is and somebody might as well be scoring from my acquisitiveness. I am trying to make a rule that when something new comes in, something else has to go out, but that isn't going to make any difference until I get some of these piles of stuff out of here. I have a big box in every room where I'm putting stuff for the Goodwill and hopefully, by this time next year my house will be something that Martha Stewart could be proud of. I'm still making and selling flowers, and I've started knitting again to use up some of this yarn. I always give my friends a hooded back zip baby sweater when they have a baby and my stock of sweaters was dwindling. Right now there are so many girls at work that are having babies, so I have to really get busy. Okay, I'm off to see if I can make a difference and will hopefully have a positive update soon.