it's been awhile.  i finally went to my doctor (who i love by the way) and she changed my ativan to something different.  it really affects my balance and i go reeling around the house, so maybe that's how it works, trying to keep my balance keeps me from thinking of other things. seriously, i don't turn every thought into a reminiscence about catherine that makes me cry.  a few days ago, my 27 year old nephew dies of a ruptured aneurysm in his head.  he donated a lot of organs, visitation was last night and the funeral is today.  just more grief to add to my pile.  when will it stop.  i just sit around thinking who's next.

i am getting worse, not better.  tomorrow we're going away for a week to babysit for my two other granddaughters and i can't imagine having a happy face.  ever again in fact.  i am now allowed to take three ativan a day but the one i took this morning did nothingl.  i can't stop the sad thoughts so i cry and cry.  somebody please help me.  maybe i need to take all three of the ativan at once.