went to the doctor yesterday and the psychologist today;  maybe i'll start making some progress.  i was going to say i cried less today, but i cried the whole time i was at the psychologist and the whole time i was at the doctor.   who am i kidding, i cried just as much as ever.  i go to dad's tomorrow so that will be a couple of pretty easy days.  sunday we're having a birthday party for him.  he may not know because we forget to tell him things a lot so it might be a surprise party.  this family needs to get together for a happy occasion.

ok so i have an appt with a psychologist.  maybe she can fix me.  i have new medication that works pretty well for anxiety, i can tell when it's time to take more, i start crying.  the medication does have the side effect of messing with my equilibrium.  if i bend over to pick something up, i just keep going.  i kind of list to the right and have a lot of bumps and bruises.  but i can't stop taking them because they work, i just have to move around more carefully.  people keep asking if it's safe for me to drive.  well, i'm usually sitting down when i'm driving.  now if i have to get out and pull the car, that will be a problem. my worst times are bedtime and when i'm alone in the car driving;  ok, enough pity me for today....for right now anyway/

it's been awhile.  i finally went to my doctor (who i love by the way) and she changed my ativan to something different.  it really affects my balance and i go reeling around the house, so maybe that's how it works, trying to keep my balance keeps me from thinking of other things. seriously, i don't turn every thought into a reminiscence about catherine that makes me cry.  a few days ago, my 27 year old nephew dies of a ruptured aneurysm in his head.  he donated a lot of organs, visitation was last night and the funeral is today.  just more grief to add to my pile.  when will it stop.  i just sit around thinking who's next.

i am getting worse, not better.  tomorrow we're going away for a week to babysit for my two other granddaughters and i can't imagine having a happy face.  ever again in fact.  i am now allowed to take three ativan a day but the one i took this morning did nothingl.  i can't stop the sad thoughts so i cry and cry.  somebody please help me.  maybe i need to take all three of the ativan at once. 

today, i need to go out to my dad's house and start doing my share of helping to take care of him.  i cried most of the morning, then took an ativan and continued to cry.  i just have to think about how sad i'm going to be and it makes me cry.  my latest thought is that it is bitter cold outside, is catherine warm enough.  please, God, help me to feel normal again.

ok, so today i had a gift certificate to go to the movies that was going to expire tomorrow so jim, miranda and i went to the theater at the mall.  on the way i was remembering that the last time we were by the theater at the mall was when we took catherine to get her picture taken with santa claus.  oh how i wish i could go back to that time.  i just want to hug that little girl so bad.  and if only i could stop thinking sad thoughts, maybe my life could move on, but that doesn't seem to be happening.  so as i sit here writing and crying, i wonder when the pain will decrease.  i'm so tired of crying and/or trying not to cry.  if i were a different person, i would have checked out by now.  i don't mean to sound dramatic, but honestly, it's hard to imagine going on without her.  and i'm her grandma, what must her mom and dad be feeling and it breaks my heart thinking about it.  i guess that's the problem, thinking about it.  i spend so much time in my head going over and over what happened and how i feel, it's like picking a scab. 

catherine's gone...

ok, here is a place where i can share all my thoughts about my current situation.  Just to give you some background, my mother passed away on dec. 14, 2012.  She was 89 years old, but somehow, even with being in the medical profession, it came as a surprise to me.  I felt as if my life was over.  i cried constantly, sobbed and wailed.  i was unbelievably sad and thought i would never be happy again.  So on january 9, 2013, my five month old granddaughter passed away.  i don't think i will ever stop crying.  she was the sweetest baby.  i have two other granddaughters, but the other two are in missouri and i only get to see them every few months.  this little girl lived just a few minutes away from me.  she and her mom spent the night with me the first night out of the hospital, i babysat every couple of weeks, and catherine and i even had sleepovers.  i am so hoping that by writing this out, i will start to get over it, or at least the pain will decrease somewhat.  as i go along, i will post some pictures of her, but right now, i can't even look at pictures without starting to cry again.  that's assuming that when i see the pictures, i have stopped crying.  many times that's not the case.   now that i have this begun, i will stop and see if i can get back to my blog the next time.  please pray for me that this will be therapeutic.

Well, here I sit talking to myself. There is something so therapeutic about that. I can say what I want without worrying about hurting anyone's feelings. Wait a minute, there's always a chance that someone will come and read this so I guess I better engage the filter. Still selling craft supplies; I have sold so much and haven't even made a dent in what I have. The message here is that I had too much stuff, but funny that I didn't recognize that until now. Oh, wait, I know why, I seldom put stuff away and my memory is not great, so I would forget what I had and buy more. What a loser.......or winner depending on whether you're an optimist or pessimist.

We are expecting another grandchild and I hope to have the house cleared out by the time she comes, so I have five months. go, sandy.

We decided to replace the disgusting carpet in our bedroom, so we've been sleeping in a spare room while all the furniture is out of ours. I'll be happy to be back in the waterbed.

My newest ebay adventure is making paper tole girls for people to put on their scrapbook pages. Some I make into sets that will make a 2 page layout, including ribbon, flowers, photo mats and charms, and some I just make the fairies or angels and sell them by themselves. They are SO CUTE. I love doing them.

Back again for my May missive. The scrap supplies have been selling, but the pile doesn't seem to be getting smaller. In the meantime, I keep making flowers and am drowning in a sea of blooms. I have several auctions ending today, so that will be more stuff out of the house. We'll see if that makes a difference, but I kind of doubt it. I guess I will keep plugging away at clearing out craft supplies that I have never used, will never use, or used a few times and will never use again. Of course, just like when I give things to the goodwill, I know in a few weeks, there will be the one thing that I suddenly have a desperate need for, but I'm willing to deal with that.

Okay, seriously??? I haven't been here for over a month? Well, let me tell you what I've been doing. I have reached the point where I could audition for the reality show, "Hoarders", and am getting serious about clearing some stuff out. So far, I have packed up ten boxes of craft supplies, mostly scrapping and card making supplies, plus a lot of other things and am listing them on ebay. I feel bad about selling the things that I just HAD to have and have never used, but it is what it is and somebody might as well be scoring from my acquisitiveness. I am trying to make a rule that when something new comes in, something else has to go out, but that isn't going to make any difference until I get some of these piles of stuff out of here. I have a big box in every room where I'm putting stuff for the Goodwill and hopefully, by this time next year my house will be something that Martha Stewart could be proud of. I'm still making and selling flowers, and I've started knitting again to use up some of this yarn. I always give my friends a hooded back zip baby sweater when they have a baby and my stock of sweaters was dwindling. Right now there are so many girls at work that are having babies, so I have to really get busy. Okay, I'm off to see if I can make a difference and will hopefully have a positive update soon.

I can't believe how long it's been since I've been here. So much has happened since then! I've been to Vegas, baby! But what's exciting to me now is that I've got some new thread and have ordered more for making the best flowers. I've also got an idea for a scrapbook page, but for that I would have to get off the couch, so it's not happening. I can't wait for my thread to come. I work this coming weekend, but I have Wednesday and Thursday off. Hope it comes then. I will post some pictures of flowers when I get some made.

Wow, I've been really busy, so haven't been here much. Work has been so busy, we broke the record for births in a year by about 4o and I think all 40 were in the last week of the year. I have a whole box of cards that I'm thinking of offering on ebay for one price. I've got so many supplies that I need to list, so here I sit not listing them. I need some motivation here.

We survived the blizzard. I'm glad I was working so I didn't have any plans for Christmas. Others who had Christmas off had to sit at home watching the snow fall rather than doing whatever they had planned. It's a very unfamiliar looking world with the snow piled high and many landmarks buried. Now I have one day off, then back to work for two twelve hour shifts, then four days off. I can't wait.

Well, we're battening down the hatches preparing for a winter storm that is predicted to be ten to twenty inches of snow. Somebody remind me why I live in the midwest, please. I'm scheduled to work four twelve hour shifts starting tomorrow. If I make it to work, I'll probably be stuck there, so I need to pack a bag. A book is a must-have and some kind of craft project that's portable. I'll probably just take some thread and crochet more flowers. Here's hoping everybody has a happy holiday.....

Work, sleep, get up and do it again, that's what my life has been reduced to. I finally got something done. No, don't get excited, I didn't get my house cleaned. But I did get some cards done. I have to find an outlet for these cards, because I can't seem to quit making them. The pictures don't show it, but I used 3-d techniques to make these little girls that I got from Linniepink. I've been so busy that I forgot to open my package that holds the winter kit from Magnolia. I better go get them mounted and stamp some more images. Just what I need, more images........

Brrr, it is so cold. 10 inches of snow and below zero temps. I hate winter. It will definitely be a white christmas. I've been working on my coloring with copics. Coloring is fun.....I wonder if this is my second childhood. I've also been crocheting some flowers. Busy, busy, busy.......

Ok, I've been back at work three days, is it too soon for a vacation? I need to collect some of my cards off the dining room table and list them. I just keep making them and making them. I got some new digital stamps from Linniepink that I'm anxious to use. I'll try to remember to post them here when they're done. It's hard to stop long enough to take photos and post.

Oh, wow, first day back at work, it's supposed to be a holiday and we had seven deliveries. It might as well have been a regular weekday. Oh, well, now I have the weekend off so can maybe get some unpacking done, and of course some cardmaking.

It's great to be home.....but I'd rather be on vacation. Unpacking is a lot more work than packing. There isn't enough room for all the stuff. Maybe I should wait.......